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September 24, 2013

How to make a spectacle of yourself at a wedding - in 3 easy steps.



Welcome to another exciting episode of:    Life Lessons with Simply June

Weddings: I've been to quite a few this year. Have you seen the newest wedding video going viral on the web? The clergyman stops mid ceremony to yell at the photographer. The look on the faces of the poor bride and groom said it all.   I felt so bad for them.  It made me feel better about what happened at last wedding I attended. 

My September Wedding:

The lovely couple looked so happy. Staring into each other's eyes. Beautiful moment.

My husband squeezes my hand three times. (The code for I. LOVE. YOU. that was invented in our family so we could tell our kids we loved them in public without them being embarrassed. Tricky, right?)

So anyway...I am trying to be all respectful and reverent - as you do at weddings - and i get a bit of an itchy throat. I feel like coughing. Because it's me, I already know there is a very high chances things are about to take a turn for the worse.

I tried my best to ignore that scratch in the back of my throat, but it was pointless.  I coughed. I looked at my friend Holly (mother of the groom) and I mouth "sorry".   

She smiles back at me. She is so awesome, my friend Holly.  I try very hard but end up coughing again. But this time thanks to the straining,  its a kind of cough/snort thing.  A few heads turn... ugh.... how do you recover from that?

"Yes, yes...someone just snorted at a wedding, shows over folks, nothing to see here..."

I knew I had to cough again and there was no way of stopping it.  My solution was to grab the corner of my sweater and kind of lean down into my shoulder and cover my face with the sweater and then cough...you know, to muffle the sound a bit.   I should have have used my arm like this smart young lady:  

But no.  I leaned down to way to far and because i have an ample chest, I ended up muffling - at least trying to muffle - the cough   with my chest/shoulder/boob area.  I coughed into skin.  A loud sound rang out...You know the sound.  


Yep, my muffle plan had been a huge fail.  I had made a fart sound during a marriage ceremony.  I. Want. To. Die.

This time I didn't look anyone in the eye. Just kept my head down. Partly in shame, and partly because I was starting to laugh.   It's official.  Embarrassing moments are my specialty.

At least I stopped coughing.  I was cough free the entire day. I had instantly shocked and embarrassed  that cough away.   

It turns out the Bride & Groom didn't hear or notice a thing.  

Life Lesson Learned:  Forget cough drops & cough syrup.  If you need instant cough relief - you know what to do.  Real of Fake, let it rip.  If questioned, tell people that where you come from, noises coming from your body mean "May your marriage be blessed with awesomeness".  Give them a look that says, "Duh, I thought everyone knew that."  and then quickly leave.

Can you imagine if the clergyman from the video was 
conducting the wedding I was at?!   

"Please you with gas,  leave."

"But it wasn't a real fart."

"This is a solemn ceremony. I will stop if you don't leave."

"I'll stop farting and coughing."

"This is not about farting, this is about God...leave."

"make me."

And.....end scene.

I'd pay money to see that wedding.

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