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June 03, 2013

Things I Learned from dating Idiots

This post was born out of a conversation I overheard in a bathroom stall at a movie theater. I was so fascinated by what I was hearing, I stayed in that dang stall much longer than is socially acceptable.  After about five minutes of pretending no one was occupying my tiny compartment, there was no way to walk out and face the small group of teenage girls without feeling stupid...and so I just listened until they left.  This was the basic topic of conversation:
It's okay to date a jerk or an idiot that treats you poorly if he is a "serious hottie".  
I should have simply started yelling from my hidden spot.  
I should have said something.  Said ANYTHING at all.  
I should have told those girls how stupid their line of thinking is.  
Because of my overload of expertise in this subject - I should have sat them right there in that ladies room and shared my vast knowledge of exactly what can come from dating idiots.  But alas, I did not.  So for those girls, and all the other ladies out there who are with idiots...this is for you.

If you can relate to even a few of these, chances are you are in a relationship that will never give you the happiness you deserve.  

  1. If you are in a relationship where at least half the time you feel like you want or deserve better - take it from those who know - you are right.
  2. If you argue, fight or see behaviors in the guy you are dating that are questionable - get out now. We all put our best face forward in the beginning. If the best he's got is not up to par, it will only get worse. Don't waste your time.
  3. Do you think you can change your guy into a better person?  It's possible I guess.  But think about how hard it is to change yourself.  We have enough of a hard time trying to better ourselves.  Dating this kind of guy is like opening a new checking account with a negative balance and no income.
  4. Serious idiots have a huge potential for producing idiot sons.  Don't have kids with a man if you would not be proud to have a son just like him.
  5. Ever read the book or seen the movie "He's just not that into you"?  It explains to women that if a guy is really interested in you, he will find the time to be with you.  Just keep in mind, as a side note, that there are some guys will be very attentive and act extremely "into you", but not for the right reasons.
  6. Watch how men treat their mothers.  It is a big indicator of how they will treat their wife.
  7. He has friends you don't like. We become most like the type of people we hang out with so if you think his friends are jerks, chances are he is a jerk too.  The more attractive these guys are - the longer it takes to recognize.  A handsome face and a nice set of muscles can only get you so far.
  8. Your closest friends dont like your man. This one is simple... Your friends are friends for a reason.  If you dont trust their judgement, why are you such good friends?
  9. He is easily angered.
  10. Since you have been with him, your self esteem has gone down.
  11. He doesn't like when you spend time with anyone else.
  12. He doesn't respect you or your feelings.
  13. You often consider breaking up but never follow through.
  14. He has cheated on you.
  15. If a guy treats you like he doesn't care....seriously, he doesn't care.
  16. He doesn't have a sense of humor.
  17. He doesn't let you pick the radio station in the car.
  18. He is rude to servers at restaurants or those he feels are beneath his social standing.  
  19. He blames you for his bad behavior.
  20. He is only interested doing activities that HE enjoys. 
  21. You make excuses for him. Even making up stories to tell your friends about how he did something nice for you.
  22. He lies. Again, and again, and again.
  23. He has called you be the wrong name.  This is never a good sign.
  24. He can't keep a job and it is never his fault.
  25. He points out other women and how attractive they are in front of you,  and claims its a perfectly normal thing to do. 
  26. He borrows money from you all the time and never pays it back.  If you need proof that this one is a bad sign, just watch any Judge Judy episode.
  27. If he has EVER laid a hand on you in anger you need to leave.  Leave NOW.
  28. You walk on eggshells around him.
  29. You know you can not and will not ever trust him.  Why would anyone want to spend forever with someone they dont trust?  Come on, you are smarter than that!
  30. He moves WAY to fast.  This relates to physically, emotionally and these type of guys want serious relationship long before it even enters your mind. He moves fast, saying he loves you, moving in, proposing marriage so you will be committed before you find out who he really is. 
  31. He talks about himself all the time and is rarely interested in what you have to say.
  32. What he says and what he does - they dont match up.
  33. He checks your purse, cell phone, emails, Facebook, etc.  Even though you are not allowed to mess with any of his stuff.
  34. You find yourself doing or say things you would normally not do.
  35. He brags about how many women he has had, still could have and says your are lucky to have him.  FYI - if you are really awesome, you dont have to tell anyone.  They already know.
  36. He often embellishes & brags about his accomplishments and denies or plays down his failures.  When the truth is not good enough, you need to rethink things.
  37. He doesn't ever say he is sorry or admit he was wrong.
  38. He tells you how to dress.  Unless your guy is Richard Gere and just like in the movie "Pretty Woman" he sends you to fancy shops to buy whatever you like with his credit card.
  39. He makes fun of you in front of others.  If you are with a  guy does this he is an ass.  Yes, I said ass.  Sometimes only certain words can capture exactly what you want to say.  Don't date an ass.
  40. He would rather spend time with his friends or his video games than spend time with you.
  41. Those who know him best say things like, "He really is a good guy once you get to know him."  Translation:  "He's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."
  42. He's called you fat, ugly or stupid.  Cut anyone who does this right out of your life.  Not Cool.  Ever.
  43. Last of all is a really important one.  If you do nothing else, please, please, please listen to that voice within yourself when it is telling you something is not right.  The more you ignore that voice, the longer you go without listening, the harder it becomes to hear.  We have the gift of women's intuition for a reason.  So use it sooner than later and you wont go wrong. 

This is just what I came up with off the top of my head.  
What would you add to this list?  What would you tell those girls?  
And I wonder...
would those girls even listen?

13 comments:

  1. June! Brilliant post. Sadly, they probably wouldn't have listened.

    The picture I have "assigned" to the contact number of my recent ex (divorced last October) is a picture of a girl wearing a tiara. It says "You have to kiss a lot of toads before you realize that all of them are toads". **

    I know not ALL of them are toads, but 89.9% of the ones I have dated and/or married are definitely toads. And the other 10.1% were definitely idiots.

    I love the quote at the bottom of your post, and when I can figure out how to download the image, I think I'll post it on FB, if you don't mind.

    ** The fact that I still have my ex's number on my phone is an issue of senility. I had deleted it, then answered a call one day when I didn't recognize the number, and it was him. Ha! So, I have his number and distinct ring tone in the phone, so that if/when he calls, depending on my mood, and whether or not I want to bash him a little bit, or get him to come do some handyman stuff at my house, I'll know whether to answer it or not. (Otherwise, still having his number in my phone would make ME the idiot!)

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  2. I wish I had read this when I met my first husband more than 30 years ago. All of your points are true as most of them related to us. The one I didn't see was, "Your friends before we met cannot be your friends anymore. I was only allowed to hang out with the wives from HIS softball team. Anyone I knew before was not allowed in my life. Another one, "Why didn't you answer the phone? Where were you? You're lying to me!" etc....GET RID OF HIM.
    Two years after the divorce, I married the man of my dreams. I wasn't looking for a husband or father for my two babies but he came along anyway. The best thing since peanut butter and jelly. Sweet, understanding, and allowed me to be me. He NEVER asks where I've been or what I've been doing. Now it's been almost 31 years and we are still best friends.

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  3. If I might add something: I realize that the abysmal stats above regarding my personal experience with the toad/idiot ratio probably says more about me than it does about the toads/idiots to whom I refer. I absolutely own the fact that I was born with a broken Normal Man Detector, and further suspect that a psycho magnet has been firmly implanted somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. Of course not all men are toads/idiots, it's just that those whom I attract, or am attracted to, wear the mantle well.

    Therefore, I'm working closely with my local Humane Society to officially become The Crazy Cat Lady, and have adopted two new kittens to my household, having previously rescued one kitty upon the demise of my marriage last fall to The Most Recent Toad In My Life. Cats do repel toads, or at least frighten them away..... right?

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  4. I wish I could have said all these things to my sister before she married her husband, especially the 'He's a jerk but you'll get used to it.' She seems to be used to it, but the rest of the family isn't.

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  5. High five, June! This is an incredible list! Thanks so much for sharing it!!

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  6. DUDE! I love this list, totally dated almost all of them (and broke up with them) but I do think my husband has a few bad habits ;)

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  7. If only I had read this 10 years ago! It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I love number 8, I should have listened to my friends many times! Luckily I figured it out and got a good one though!

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  8. My best friend of seventeen years is with a man who does every single one of these things except to my knowledge he hasn't cheated on her...If I were to make a list of the things he does that I can't stand that he makes her go through it would be as long as your list of things to avoid. Basically I am posting to answer your question, because after years of me and her mother (especially me, who is only allowed over rarely and because I knew them both before they were together) saying to her things along the lines of "WHY do you put up with that?" the answer is no. They won't listen. They would rather end up beaten in every sense of the word including to death than be alone. Watching this man take his clothes off and forcibly grope her best friend wasn't enough to break them up and I fear not even her death at his hands will do that. Those of us you can save with the advice however, please do save.

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  9. thank you :)

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  10. I wish I'd read this list before I got married. Just because they treat their mother well doesn't mean they'll treat you well. I learned that the hard way. My mother-in-law is treated like gold and I'm treated like a second-class citizen. My mother-in-law can do no wrong.

    You can't change anyone but yourself. If you go into marriage expecting that you will change your husband to be what you want, look out. It doesn't work that way. And over the years they will just become more like themselves.

    Honesty and respect are probably the biggest tells as far as if a man is good marriage material. If he is honest with you and treats you with respect, then the rest will follow. Even the guys who are putting on a show for you won't be completely honest or respectful. You'll see chinks in their armor in those departments, even if they don't intend it to show.

    Also beware of the passive-aggressive men too. It seems like they are nice, but they really aren't. They just have a different way of showing their anger. Instead of out-right anger, it's passive anger and unless you know what it is you won't necessarily see it.

    Just my 2 cents after 20 years of marriage...I don't think it will last another 20.

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  11. Everything on this list is true; I wish I had read it a long time ago. Add one more: he'd rather drink in sleazy bars than do anything with you.

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